Underlying Beliefs
As we approach the end of 2010 and look forward to a bright new year to be our best selves I want to pose a question that will allow you to search deep within yourself to create a better, stronger YOU in the new year. For some the answer to this question may be easily recognized and for others it may take some significant soul searching to learn more about who you are. But, one thing is for sure, whichever category you fall under it will be a question that is worth the time to ask. It is a question that will create greater self awareness allowing you to move forward and reach your goals. The understanding that you gain about your beliefs of yourself through this question are powerful tools to force you into forward motion and out of a rut you may be stuck in.
What underlying belief(s) do you have about yourself that hold you down in your life?
Have you ever considered this?
What beliefs do you have that you may not even be aware of? An underlying belief can be understood by correlating it to an iceberg. Think of an iceberg in a vast ocean. On the surface, you can see only part of it, however if you were able to look beneath the surface you would uncover a strong, powerful mass that creates what you see on the surface.
Underlying Beliefs of ourselves are much the same. What we see on the surface is a direct result of what manifests below the surface.
It may take some thought to go deeper into this question and I am challenging you to take the time necessary to do this. I hadn’t thought much about this question until I was challenged to through a course I took a few years back and am glad I did.
It was during this time that I attended a 2 day class called Increasing Human Effectiveness (IHE). This is a class that challenges you to consider negative self talk that you have towards yourself on a daily basis that holds you back from achieving great success. On the first day of class we were asked to take the piece of card stock paper that was placed in front of us and fold it into thirds to create a name tent and then write our name on both sides. Sounds simple, right? Well, I quickly went through this process without thinking of it finishing before the rest of the class…maybe because I have been a facilitator for years and have been through this process more than my fair share. Not so fast. As I had completed and the others were still folding and writing their names, the instructor then began to give further instructions on how you could create tabs on either end of the name tent to ensure that it could stand up straight. She gave many different ideas on how to do this and I didn’t think much of it and just left mine the way that it was….folded in thirds with no nifty tabs. I even made a joking comment to my peers that mine was just fine the way it was and left it at that. The class began and we all introduced ourselves.
Fast forward to day 2. We had just completed a powerful module on self awareness through negative self talk that encouraged a follow-up activity. Within our table groups, we were to reflect and discuss a simple question. What event or events have occurred in your life that have shaped who you are today and what you tell yourself about yourself. We were searching to uncover why we behave or think the way we do about ourselves today and then encouraged to briefly look into our past to learn why we think that way. What is below the iceberg surface that we may not even realize? By doing this we would be able to better diagnose why we do what we do, overcome it and ultimately achieve greater success in that area.
I want to pause the story for a moment and ask you to do the same. What is it in your life right now that you speak negatively to yourself about? What do you consistently tell yourself that you can’t do? What words do you tell yourself throughout each day that have an effect on the way you do or don’t do things? Grab a piece of paper and journal if you need to and reflect on your day today. How did you talk to yourself today? What comes up for you?
When I asked myself this question it came to my pretty quickly. When the round table discussion reached me, I spoke up and said, “Well, for years, I have told myself that I am not creative and to put it quite simply, I stink at anything that requires me to be creative”. I proceeded by explaining to the table that every time I am asked to be “creative” not only do I cringe, but I run far from it. My pattern of negative self talk quickly begins first by saying, “You’re not creative. What makes you think you can do that, you are no good and will never be creative so don’t even bother.” This may explain, why I have many unfinished projects at home, like a wedding scrapbook, or why I don’t enjoy helping my husband design a new kitchen lay out or pick new paint colors for the wall, amongst many other examples I could tell you. After I finished telling my story, one of my peers quickly spoke up and reflected on the previous day’s activity of folding a name tent. He pointed out to me that I was very quick to complete folding the name tent and even chuckled when the instructor was showing many different ways to be “creative” and put nifty little tabs on the end of it so that it would stand up straight. He was right. Although this is a minor example of how this belief shows up in my life, that incident was just one example of my negative belief about myself. My peer then asked me a very powerful question. “Where does this thinking and belief of yourself come from?” It was in this moment that I realized how this underlying belief of myself, while it seems so simple on the surface has actually held me back in many things throughout life. Even so far as when a past boss had said to me that the new position I was taking on at work was going to take a lot of “creativity” on my part to change several things and turn the business around. He then proceeded to tell me that I was perfect for this role. I immediately began secretly telling myself that I was not creative and how could he possibly think I was the perfect person for this role because…haven’t you noticed? I’m not even remotely creative!!! My negative self talk began immediately and I went home with a lot of anxiety thinking that I was doomed in this role, because I’m just not creative. How was this negative thinking impacting me?
When I reflected on my peer’s question of where this belief comes from, for the first time, it was so clear. You see, since my childhood I have had a belief that the definition of creativity encompasses things from creativity in arts and crafts projects all the way to thinking creatively with ideas in everyday life and work. A grossly inaccurate definition, but it is what I thought. When I took some time to think about where this came from I recalled an incident that I haven’t thought of for years. When I was in 3rd grade, I remember an activity that our teacher asked us to do. She asked us to fold a piece of paper into thirds for an arts and crafts project. I folded the first 3rd fine, but when it came to the second side, I folded it crooked. My teacher saw what I had done, came over to me, slapped my hand and told me that I did a poor job and that I had no business folding the paper like that. She also said that I would never be good at being creative if I couldn’t learn how to fold the paper correctly. WOW! I hadn’t thought about that in years. I do remember that I was heartbroken that I hadn’t done it as well as my fellow students had and I felt so bad for the way I was scolded for it. I was so sad and I went home crying to my mom. She had a meeting with my teacher to tell her how inappropriate she had reacted to my messed up paper folding and all was forgotten. Or was it? Apparently not. While I haven’t thought of this incident for several years, it was below the surface in my beliefs. Ever since then, I have been afraid to complete anything that requires “creativity” and even allowed myself to develop a skewed definition of what creativity really is. I have since learned that not only is my definition of creativity widely inaccurate, but that I am actually very creative in many ways. I am definitely not an arts and crafts person as many projects I’ve tried to do proves, I’m just not good at it. The beauty part is that I learned through this class and a later module at ICA that I don’t have to be. I don’t enjoy it and I don’t have to push myself to be good at it. I feel better looking at an outfit on a mannequin at the store and buying it exactly as is, rather than trying to piece together various apparel items to sport today’s fashion trends. And now that’s ok and good enough for me!!!
While I wasted years beating myself up for what I’m not good at and have forcefully pushed myself time and time again to complete “artsy” projects to prove to myself that I can do it, I’ve learned that this is a damaging, ineffective approach. I have learned instead to focus on what I am good at. For example, at a previous job I had to manage a retail set-up that required various “arts and crafts” items that would be beautifully displayed over retail product. Lots of folding, cutting, gluing, etc. YIKES! I’m bound to screw that up. In the past, before this realization, I would have pushed myself to take on these projects and each time it would end in disappointment for me and for the customers because the displays just wouldn’t look that good, with tears and tape everywhere trying to hide my mistakes. In this situation I decided to change my approach based off of what I learned. FOCUS ON YOUR STRENGTHS. What I am good at is leading and selecting a team of people with strengths that will compliment mine. I did just that. I ensured that we had 2 people on this “retail set-up” team that were very strong at the arts and crafts stuff. It worked out perfectly! I was able to focus on other important aspects of the set-up and the retail displays looked great. Now, wasn’t that a creative approach??? J
Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to discourage you of something that you are trying to improve or asking you to “give up” on something that you WANT to get better at. I am not in any way saying that you shouldn’t practice things and get better at them if you so choose. But, that’s just it, you have to WANT to do it and believe that you can and you will. What I am saying is to focus on your strengths to improve your opportunities.
This message of underlying beliefs can be very powerful and it is through this question that I have discovered many other beliefs that I have had about myself. Some discoveries were even more serious that the example of creativity I lay out today. I am confident that if you give yourself the time to first think through what you tell yourself every day and then seek to learn where that comes from you can move past it and become a greater you.
As you go through this exercise, an underlying belief may show up for you because of what somebody has said or done to you in the past, like in my example. It is very important that once you realize that, to not hang onto anger with that person and what they said or did to you. Playing the victim and staying in that frame of mind will only keep you down. Now that you have realized the source of the belief, you are now in control of how you choose to react. Holding onto anger and hurt will not allow you to move forward. Imagine if I chose to believe that the reason I was not creative was solely because of my 3rd grade teacher. While it is unfortunate that this incident caused me to believe a certain way about myself for years, ultimately I now have the choice to believe what I want about myself. What will I gain by pushing blame? I could hang onto that 3rd grade scenario forever and blame my teacher for my inability to be creative. I could choose to hang onto the hurt, hold a grudge against her and could play victim. The truth is though, that we all have a choice to make once we realize the source of belief. Let me ask you this. What will you gain by hanging onto that anger? How will playing the victim serve you? Will it make you feel better? What will allow you to rise above? If we dig into some of these questions, we would learn that no one else can make you feel anything without your permission. As long as we continue to blame others for what is happening or has happened to us, we have no control over our own lives.
This statement is not necessarily intended for individuals who have been through unfortunate situations i.e. abuse from another individual, addictions, etc. Those situations may require a different approach and potentially the assistance of a counselor and not a coach.
If you are interested in uncovering your underlying beliefs a coach can help you do that to achieve your best self and reach your goals. What’s holding you back today? What would you like to move forward in throughout your life to achieve your greatest self in 2011?
A coach can help you on this journey to self discovery. Contact me for a free discovery session to see if coaching is right for you in 2011.
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